Something I Hate About Myself: _uacct = “UA-4888259-1”;urchinTracker();
I’ve put off starting my 30 Days of Truth because the first topic is such a difficult one. It isn’t difficult to come up with the answer; it’s writing out the answer that is difficult.
The thing I hate about myself is my anger. My temper. My lack of control.
I don’t know when I lost the ability to control my emotions. I know that a large chunk of my short temper was uncovered by my husband. Any boyfriend before him practiced the stony silence of emotions and didn’t push my buttons. Leith pushed and pushed and pushed until I would snap, and it was a welcome change after years of swallowing my frustrations. It was nice to be able to let go of everything and just be loud and mad!
Unfortunately, it was a Pandora’s box for me. I’ve never regained that composure in my demeanour since then. Of course, Leith and I have learned to deal with our differences in a much more mature, productive way and the last all-out screaming match was probably sometime around the end of the acreage renovation. But since then, my bugz have grown into their father’s shoes.
I don’t blow up at Leith anymore (or rarely, at least…) but that anger and impatience has become a nasty habit in other areas of my life. I feel like I am constantly on edge. It’s like that awful feeling of wearing an itchy wool sweater. Nothing feels good. Every day compounds on the one before, so even when I am trying really hard to be my best, I rarely make it through my day without yelling about something.
It’s so awful; I hate it. I hate that part of my personality so much. What’s worse is that it is the behaviour I am modelling for my kids. They play “angry” sometimes: I catch them growling at their toys and putting them in time outs. It breaks my heart, and I vow to be gentler and try to see from their perspective more often. The tricky thing is that I can see their perspective, but that part of my mind functions at the same time as the part that is losing its temper. I can fully understand my reactions being wrong, but my instinct is thrashing mad.
I’ve been making a bigger effort in the past few weeks (especially after reading Natasha’s post about gentle discipline), but I still find myself losing my temper daily. I feel like I have no outlet when I am at home, around my triggers. I need to be able to just walk out the door and run, but that isn’t an option when I’m the only one home. I try and make up for it by spending quality time with my bugz: cuddling with them at night, snuggling on the couch, saying “yes” more than I say “no”…but some days I don’t think I’ve done enough to fix all the yelling they’ve heard in the past 3 years.
Don’t get me wrong: not all the yelling is directed at them. Petey gets a lot of the yelling. He truly is my arch-nemesis. I hope that when Bailey comes to live with us, Petey realizes that cats will never be pets in our home. Poor Petey! A lot of the yelling is also just my frustrations coming out – temper tantrums at my frozen laptop or sticky floors or other malfunctioning material good.
Temper tantrums … and I wonder where my bugz get it from 😦 This is the biggest reason that I hate myself for the anger. They are learning it from me. And their reactions make me angry. It’s a vicious circle, and the only one with the maturity to fix it is me.
It’s on my shoulders to fix.
Thankfully, Day 2 is something I love about myself…
MagzD Life 